Profound feelings of disquiet

Lately, my depression came and I've been dealing with it on and off. 

Back in the days when I was still young, I never knew what depression was until I experienced it slowly. It kills me inside knowing I need to deal with it alone. It was unbreakable thoughts. Writing was the only therapy that saved  me from hell. That leads to this journal online that I created. 

Numerous time I've cried by myself since I was in secondary school dealing with the tense atmosphere around me. Yes. I came from a broken family. There's too much stories to tell that I'd rather keep it to myself for the time being.

Other than doing writing as my therapy, I also have my first boyfriend to help it out. I truly grateful for his existence with me during my hard times. He had helped me most of my darkness day and I missed that so much. Even now, I still need him around 😔.

Years after we separated, things changed drastically. I've faced it alone and almost at the end of my life. Dying was the 0nly way to end the ponderous pain I felt for years. Not far off.

If I did it, I won't be here by now updating this journal.

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Once again, I feel like hell. Dealing alone. Crying. Hoping I shall pass this like I did. 

Taken from Google

Hang on,

AL

Hey, hey it's okay.

 Who wouldn't know that missing someone for days seems like a long time. It's just few days but still it feels like I have a lot of things to utter about.

Today didn't went well for me. My mood was triggered by something that I've been holding on since last year. I tried. I really do. I need to be professional in my workplace. But... I'm also a human being. Out of anger, impatience and the list goes on. 

Unfortunately, it affected the whole day mood. Another 2 hours before I could go home and cry. Or at least, I'm in my safest place to be who I am without being judge.

My nanny asked me a question this morning. "Do you still have a mom?". I looked at her. Few seconds later, I replied. "No". Deep down my heart, I was kinda suprised. No one haven't asked me that question for a while. Probably, she is curious about my life. I am the type of person who doesn't like to share personal life stories to other people. Only to certain people.  

Overall, all I can sum up my day today didn't went well like the usual days. It's okay to be not okay sometimes. We all have our gloomy days sometimes.

Still trying,

AL

Embrace your heart

I would like to share my personal thoughts about my first relationship.

My first relationship taught me a lot on how I wanted in life and it was the ones that I cherished the most. I never knew that once I fell in a love with a 17 years old boy would gave me this immense impact up until now. 

Throughout the years of being together, the ups and downs plus our long-distance relationship was a struggle for me. I learned to be patience, I learned to forgive, I learned to stay strong, I learned to be who I am, I learned to accept the flaws and weaknesses of him, I learned to appreciate him more, and I even learned to be a better me. But most important thing was, I feel safe with him. 

I think the hardest part was our different beliefs that leads us to where we are now. Although, we are different, we never ever fight about who is right nor wrong. It was a beautiful relationship I could say. There were many values inside that can be learn. Not toxic not whatsoever. Here's an example. Sitting in a restaurant together, I would always asked him to lead the prayer before we eat. I bow down while he recite the prayer with his hands up. 

Furthermore, we also shared stories of our own beliefs like getting to know both religions, the differences, the similarities and so on which I think it was delightful. To be honest, I really miss our moments together. It's always been so special and exquisite bond.

20 years later, still talking about our moments together even though the universe seemed to envy us too much but we still here together. Aren't we love? 

Taken from Pinterest

Love,

AL

 

Malaya

*Malaya means free in Tagalog

My favourite spot

Today, I went to my favourite spot here at Tanjung Lipat. To eat my lunch while having some rough time adjusting my inner feelings what I felt while driving from the hospital.

My tears just won't stop falling again and again. Why I must experience this again? 

I can only cried to ease the pain I've been holding up. I miss you NJ. 😔

Holding up,

AL

Who Knew

 2 weeks more before entering another new month. How does it feel like for the past few weeks now?

There's just too many ups and downs going on for the past 2 months. The future is not something I'm looking forward to. No. Not this time. It's been quite chaotic but in a sedate phase. My mind and my heart seems to be somewhere over the rainbow. Wishing this pain won't bring me down once again and I find it hard to deal with my emotions these days.

I began to feel shrinking like there's something absorbing my positive energy. My current situation, my own personal life, people around me, my work life all these making me feeling down. It's not what I want to deal with everyday situation. Being an adult is f*****g hard!

My everyday view every time I go back home.

After the school break would be more challenging for me. Sometimes, I doubted myself if I can do it? But, with the right amount of support, I think I will. I hope to do so. Who knows what will happen to me this year?

Love,

AL

Muse On

Sunset at Lahad Datu road

2023 was not the year that I was hoping for. I didn't even have a good start for the New Year. 

Things become quite chaotic the past few weeks and I'm not sure if I can hold on or focusing the present. Overthink kills me sometimes. It kills my positive vibes. 

NJ reminded me who I was before. "You used to be so vibrant before". In addition, his quotes has been with me for years, "Be patience and be strong". Sometimes, I doubted myself. "Can I be strong for that long?". My imagination had gone haywire. Every time I feel down, NJ has always been there to lift my spirit up when I'm on the edge of falling down. What will I do without you around?

I can't predict the future for me and my family.  Once again, to go through this kind of journey needs  a lot of courage and strength. Much worst is it's about my family and my own personal life at the same time. I still pounder can I do this once again? 

Stay strong,

AL