Profound feelings of disquiet

Lately, my depression came and I've been dealing with it on and off. 

Back in the days when I was still young, I never knew what depression was until I experienced it slowly. It kills me inside knowing I need to deal with it alone. It was unbreakable thoughts. Writing was the only therapy that saved  me from hell. That leads to this journal online that I created. 

Numerous time I've cried by myself since I was in secondary school dealing with the tense atmosphere around me. Yes. I came from a broken family. There's too much stories to tell that I'd rather keep it to myself for the time being.

Other than doing writing as my therapy, I also have my first boyfriend to help it out. I truly grateful for his existence with me during my hard times. He had helped me most of my darkness day and I missed that so much. Even now, I still need him around 😔.

Years after we separated, things changed drastically. I've faced it alone and almost at the end of my life. Dying was the 0nly way to end the ponderous pain I felt for years. Not far off.

If I did it, I won't be here by now updating this journal.

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Once again, I feel like hell. Dealing alone. Crying. Hoping I shall pass this like I did. 

Taken from Google

Hang on,

AL

Hey, hey it's okay.

 Who wouldn't know that missing someone for days seems like a long time. It's just few days but still it feels like I have a lot of things to utter about.

Today didn't went well for me. My mood was triggered by something that I've been holding on since last year. I tried. I really do. I need to be professional in my workplace. But... I'm also a human being. Out of anger, impatience and the list goes on. 

Unfortunately, it affected the whole day mood. Another 2 hours before I could go home and cry. Or at least, I'm in my safest place to be who I am without being judge.

My nanny asked me a question this morning. "Do you still have a mom?". I looked at her. Few seconds later, I replied. "No". Deep down my heart, I was kinda suprised. No one haven't asked me that question for a while. Probably, she is curious about my life. I am the type of person who doesn't like to share personal life stories to other people. Only to certain people.  

Overall, all I can sum up my day today didn't went well like the usual days. It's okay to be not okay sometimes. We all have our gloomy days sometimes.

Still trying,

AL